Being a Peaceful Reactor

I hope that it goes without saying that I LOVE my children! I do! But I have a really huge problem (well more than one, but one for this blog) I'm an explosive reactor. I mean that I react to them sometimes in an explosive manner. I try very hard to be as patient as possible, but when I've told you five times to do the same thing, I just reach a boiling point and "patient mom" has suddenly turned into "screaming mom". Sometimes I don't even become "patient mom" I go straight to "screaming mom". I'm only instilling negative things into my children this way. Fear is one of them. The other is teaching them it's okay for people to treat them this way, and that it's normal behavior.

Fear- My kids never know what to expect of me. Is mom going to be mad? Is mom gonna yell? I want my kids to know the truth, there is NOTHING they could EVER do to make me love them less. My love only grows. I want them to feel like they can tell me anything, even if I don't like it. I don't want them to ever believe I hate the mess more than I love them.

It's okay for people to treat me this way- NO! It's not. These are the most precious little people in my life. If they are then I should treat them the best, set the standard on how others should treat them. Instead I'm teaching them that thier feelings aren't valid, that thier voice doesn't matter, that no matter what they should just do what they are told. I instead want them to know that they are important, everything they think, feel, say, it matters and it's important. That they are essential! That they should always trust thier instincts even if it goes against what someone told them.

Normal Behavior- I don't want them to think this is how people should behave. That my explosive behavior is normal. Gosh, I have so many hang ups, this is one I REALLY don't want to pass on to my kids. I realize that my behavior is childish, and immature. I want my kids to be better than me, and better than what is normal. I want to set the standard higher.

One of my new life goals, to be a peaceful reactor. I see articles all the time talking about how you should be a non reactive parent, and I don't feel like this is the key either. I feel like we should react just in a kind and gentle way. I'm a controller by nature, and the same is true when it comes to my children. I, of course, try and be the best mom I can be, and at times I think this makes me even more volatile because my kids never really know what to expect. I want to quit controlling them (or trying to) and be guiding and teaching.

I don't want to just tell my kids that they are loved, I want them to know it, to feel it. I want them to have good memories of their momma. I know that kids are forgiving and even if you have terrible parents we almost always instinctively love them. I don't want my kids to instinctively love me, I want to LOVE them with ALL MY MIGHT! I want to create these super well adjusted, Christ-loving adults. I feel like I'm teaching them that God is an explosive reactor, that when we don't please Him, He's angry! And My God is not like that. I want them to know the truth because I have shown them that.

Please be praying with me, that I can be ALL my kids need me to be. Their needs will be met, but I want them to be emotionally whole. I want to be better!

Be brave and Struggle Well...

Brandie :)

Divorce, Manipulation, Idolatry, Expectations, Jealousy, Prayer.

Unfortunately, out of respect for my amazing husband this blog had to go back in the vault. I really hope those that needed to see it did and that it ministered to their hearts. 

Aaron and School

Well, Lets just say, they don't mix. It took him longer to get through High School, but mostly becuase I think he just didn't care. And now longer to get through college. I don't really care, I'm just proud of him for working and supporting his family alone, and then on top of that going to school full time and passing (for the most part).

Aaron is highly intellegent. I have never met someone that can figure out things the way he does. He definately thinks differently, but he can figure things out that even someone we might consider to be really smart can't. The problem is that he just doesn't do well in school. Aaron has embalmed before becuase he used to have provisional licenses to do so, and is admittedly by other funeral directors, one of the best embalmers they have ever seen, yet he can't make it through the schooling that you are supposed to have to do that. Why? becuase it's not hands on doing. That is how Aaron learns the best. They have to take much of the same classes that any other degree requires. English, Math, Accounting, Small Business Management, Anatomy, Psychology, etc. I want to help him so bad but there is really nothing I can do for him. He is passing all his classes but one (grief psychology) in which his teacher, by Aaron's admission, doesn't really teach.

He has finals this week, and then the next two weeks (i guess) he has "comps" which is where he takes tests on everything he ever learned in this school, however some of it he went through years ago. He is scared, and stressed. He feels like he isn't going to make it. Becuase he works at a funeral home at the present time, his job is contingent on him passing school. He just got this job back and I really feel like it was the provision of the Lord. I know that Aaron can do it, but he doesn't, and he keeps speaking it in to being that he isn't going to make it. I have tried to talk to him, but I just don't think he really understands what I'm saying, or that that is really true. Please keep Aaron in your prayers these next two weeks as he finishes school. I'm really so proud of him that he has made it this far, and I just want him to get the boost of confidence that he needs to beleive in himself, and lean on the Lord.

Thanks!