Friday, September 6, 2013
I had this blog written and someone's little fingers deleted it all, so I'm starting over...
I had a sad mom moment last night... that moment where you just want to scoop up your baby and rescue them from their hurting heart. But you can't...
I had a bad day yesterday. I was emotional over some other things in my life. I had cried all day. It was just one of those days, then I started thinking about a friend's facebook post. She had been confused about something that was going on in her life for a couple days when she remembered the true character of God, and that he was a God of order and not confusion. While I was in no way confused I had been debating different possibilities about my situation in my head when I remember this and decided I was going to base my decisions on the character of God. When I did I had peace and the answers became clear to me. God continued to deal with me on alot of levels yesterday and while at times it was uncomfortable, but it was clear, and comforting to know God was speaking to me. :)
After my bad day, I was getting the kids to bed early! I was getting to spend time with them and things were looking up! I thought "YES! My day is getting better!", then it happened... Cade and I were having a rough time, after walking away and then coming back, we began discussing his heart. He told me that he felt he didn't have any friends and that people didn't like him. My heart sank. He cried, I cried! I held him tight, I assured him I liked him, he was my friend, and he was cool. And also that he looked so awesome at school this year! (he's been all about "looking good"). We prayed over him, we asked God to send him a special friend at school. I was sad, and I was mad! I was mad that kids are so mean, and that parents are not educating their children better about special needs kids. I wanted to march up to his school and make sure all those kids knew they need to be nice to him, be nice to each other. But that's not realistic. I also have to realize that most parents, unless there is a special needs kid in their family, are not educating their children, not because they are mean, but because they a) don't think about it and b) don't realize their non special needs kid has special kids in their class.
I wanted to be able to rescue my Cade from his hurt. I wanted to tell him he never had to go back to school and that he could stay with me forever. Again for us this is not realistic. I could not home school him because I don't have the tools I need to teach him the way he needs. I would be lying if I told you that I love public school and that I want my kids to be there, but right now, it's what is the best solution for Cade, and I have to be honest and tell you that I want my kids to be at school together. I want Cade to have the opportunity to be a "big brother" and I want Addie to help encourage kids to realize how cool Cade is! I would love to be able to afford a specialized school for him, but I can't, and then I struggle with, "how well is that preparing him for life" most of those schools have ONLY special needs kids and how does that prepare him for the cruelness of the world when he goes to College or Vocational Training?
I know his pain (I'm sure not the same degree) but I was not "cool" in school. I was made fun of ALOT. I wish I could just tell him that none of that really matters after high school and that it's all a level playing field in the real world, but even if I did, it wouldn't be any consolation to his pain right now. It won't help him to feel less lonely.
I obviously can't force the kids to be nice to Cade, and I can't hide Cade from the rest of the world so that his heart is protected. So I was trying to figure out, how I can best encourage him at school. I never considered asking God what I should do, or how I should approach it. I mean God had been talking to me all day but it was about something totally different. I was meeting a friend after my kids went to bed and on the way to my destination I was listening to KLTY, Nightlight with Andrea. They topic of the night was brothers. I only heard one story before commercials came on and I was where I needed to be. But it was a girl talking about her special needs brother. I thought okay God, I get it! You are so good, but the more I listened she began to talk about her brothers happiness despite any situation (there was a time i could relate to that) but I didn't feel like this applied... I questioned God, and then kept listening. Andrea asked her, "What has your brother Danny taught you" the girl replied, "he showed me what it meant to struggle well". Wow.... struggle well.
This has significant impact on me and I began to thank Him for being so real to me, ALL DAY! The truth is we all struggle! We all have times, moments, that we endure circumstances and challenges in our lives. But do we struggle well? We will struggle... we will. But how do we handle it? Cade doesn't just face struggles every so often, for him, it's everyday, every moment. I want to encourage him to struggle well. I want to encourage him to not approach his struggles poorly but with peace, confidence, and strength. I want to be an example by "struggling well". I want to encourage you as well, STRUGGLE WELL.
Just a little update: Cade's third grade teacher called me this morning in a response to an email I had written her and told me that she LOVES having Cade in her class, and that the kids in HER class fight over being his helper, and that on Meet the Teacher night when Cade was there, the parents of some of the other students that were there requested that their kids be Cade's helpers, so she has a rotation! Yay! Thank you Lord for more answered prayers. His Goodness is overwhelming!