Sunday, March 14, 2010

The Family Man

I truly appreciate my husband, who he is, and what he does. However, Aaron has not always been the best at spending time with his family. I am a person whose primary love language is quality time. It's something I have to have in order to feel loved. I love being with people, especially people that love me, and I LOVE being with my husband. It seems like due to the fact that we are parents, and we have busy lives, that we just don't get alot of time together. But this weekend has been different. I have truly enjoyed it.

Saturday he DJ'ed at the St. Patty's day parade. I have never gone with him before, but not having a breastfeeding child helped me to be able to go.... not to mention my sister, who babysat for me. We had fun. He loved on me, made sure I was taken care of, even though he was working. I really felt like his wife! After getting everything taken care of, he then went to eat with me and my sister and the kids. Even though he was tired, not hungry, and had things to do.

Then today, Sunday, we went to church, and then after church we went to lunch where again he ate with us, and then we took the kids to see Thomas the Tank, We spent about three hours out there, and he never left my side (well except once, but it was okay) he was never on the phone, he never once complained, and then we went to my brothers house to celebrate my brothers birthday.

I know to most of you this is just what a husband and dad does, but for Aaron, he's learning, He's doing good. I'm sooo soooo proud of him, for the dad and husband he already is, but also for the dad and husband he is becoming! I know that these things are out of his nature, but I feel soo loved and cherished, and I just wanted to state how happy and proud I am.

Friday, February 26, 2010

I love them the same, but different

I was holding Addie the other night, as she had gotten woken up from her sleep and was screaming at the top of her lungs... and I started thinking about my kids. It was amazing how just holding her, she seemed to trust me, to feel safe with me. She curled both of her arms under her, stopped crying, and just laid on me. If I tried to put her down, she was back to sceaming. She needed her mama.

Being a Mom is such a "needy" job. Our kids always need us. In that moment, I thought "gosh, I love this girl" and then I started thinking about Cade and how much I loved him, knowing that at that moment, he was tucked into his bed, asleep. I love it when they sleep. But I got to thinking about how I love both of my kids the same amount (as if love can be measured) but I love them different, in different ways. Addie doesn't need me all the time, but when she does need me, she rests in my arms, she rests in me. However, Cade needs me all the time, constantly. Addie is so independent and free, busy. Cade is dependent on me. But I love them both for thier unique qualities. My body, my soul, yearns for them when we are seperated (even though I am thanful for the break).

I know all mom's feel this way. But I just wanted to write about it. I also began to correlate that moment with Addie, to the way we can be with God. I can rest in Him. I can curl my arms under myself and just lay on his chest. The way I used to do with my mom, I would still do at 25 years old if I wasnt' bigger than her, He loves us all the same, but different. Loves us for our unique qualities. Sometimes even when we are so dependent that it can be almost annoying, he loves that we need him. I never want to get to a place where I don't need Him, and I hope he always wants me to need Him.

Thank you Jesus for showing me so much through my babies, thank you for trusting me with them! Thank you for loving me, giving a place to rest, and allowing me to whine at you!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Please walk in my shoes first....

I was thinking today about some critisism that I hear from time to time. I was thinking these people have no idea what it's like to be me. I have come to realize over the last couple weeks that I'm a blunt and truthful person. Which can be mistaken as ugly and mean. Really my heart is to love people, and be an encourager. Truly!! I'm positive at times, but I'm a realist. I see things the way they are and sometimes have a problem looking at the big picture (I'm working on that becuase I know it's important to try and look at the big picture). I can be very judgmental and critical at times, again I mean it to be loving, and after it's said realize it wasn't loving at all. I think becuase of these HUGE flaws in my personality, people have a tendency to judge me the same, duhhhh what goes around comes around.

However, I have learned, I can't judge someone, unless I am them. I know some people who I feel made a stupid decision for thier lives, but why, because I'm trying to love them by showing them the error of thier ways? That's rediculous. It's thier life. I know another group of people that I feel showed/shows more love and compassion for people they barely know, then for people that are in thier group that need the same. It irritates me, but why? It shouldn't, they are helping people that need help. That should be all that matters.

If you know me, you know I have a STRONG opinion on everything. This is such not a right attitude in me. I know it's okay to be strong in your opinions about certain things, but I have gotten to a place where I'm critical of others. I have hardly any friends. Like seriously, can count on one hand. I know I have never been the type to have alot of friends, and really don't ever want TONS of friends. I want valuable relationships in my life that mean something to me. People I can depend on, and they can depend on me.

The people I call friends, are very SPECIAL people. I know I'm difficult to get along with at times, and can be very offensive, but it's really not my intentions. I'm praying that God will change my heart, soften my tounge, and help me with me. But I'm so thankful for the people that love me inspite of myself!! Thank you!

However, one thing I was really thinking about is others like me have a tendency to be critical of me, and it hurts (just as I'm sure it hurts when I'm critical of others). Mostly in one area, motherhood. I know I'm far from perfect. I know I'm not the best mom. But I'm trying and doing what I feel is best for my children. I have seen the looks that people give me when I talk to my four year old the way I do. It's not right. But I'm frustrated, I'm annoyed (not that it's an excuse), I'm TIRED...

I hear "you're a stay at home mom, you don't do anything". What people don't realize is, I have a SPECIAL NEEDS child, yes the four year old, he has a schedule you wouldn't believe if I told you that I have to try and keep up with, not to mention a VERY ACTIVE 18 month old that I have to try and lug around with me and Cade, and also keep occupied, It's not an easy task. Yes, I know, tons of mom's do it, but then there are other responsibilities that I have that people don't realize are so taxing. I have NO patience for anyone or anything (again something I'm working on) and there are days I just don't want to be responsible for two people besides myself. Also, people think I'm a stay at home mom I have nothing to do, but what they fail to realize is my husband literally is on call 24/7. I love my husband and I appreciate all the work that he does do, but having two small children and a husband that is on call all the time, and works 6 days a week, means that at any time or moment I become a single mom. This also gets my husband out of tons of responsibility because, I can't just go out for the night with the girls and leave the kids with him, what happens if he gets called out? That means that no matter where I am, or what I'm doing I have to be home within 20 minutes. I rarely get a break and because I don't work, rarely get a break from my kids and get the adult interaction that working moms do. One of the benefits of being a working mom, not that i regret in ANY WAY being a stay at home mom. I love it and wouldn't have ever wanted it any other way and I realize it's just part of the sacrifice to do that.

Then there is the Special Needs issue. I don't care if you are a mom of a special needs child and think that I might not be doing things the way they need to be done becuase you did better than me. They are special needs which means that no two are the same. I know my child better than you do. No, I'm not perfect and I don't think I am, but please, until you have been Cade's mom, or Addie's mom, don't tell me or anyone else, what you think I should be doing. Yes, I'm venting, but I just got to thinking about this, and how if you haven't walked in my shoes, you don't really know. Just like God is showing me, I don't know what is best for my friends, or acquaintances, and thier lives. I'm learning not to be judgmental. Becuase let's face it, I can't walk in your shoes either.