Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Please walk in my shoes first....

I was thinking today about some critisism that I hear from time to time. I was thinking these people have no idea what it's like to be me. I have come to realize over the last couple weeks that I'm a blunt and truthful person. Which can be mistaken as ugly and mean. Really my heart is to love people, and be an encourager. Truly!! I'm positive at times, but I'm a realist. I see things the way they are and sometimes have a problem looking at the big picture (I'm working on that becuase I know it's important to try and look at the big picture). I can be very judgmental and critical at times, again I mean it to be loving, and after it's said realize it wasn't loving at all. I think becuase of these HUGE flaws in my personality, people have a tendency to judge me the same, duhhhh what goes around comes around.

However, I have learned, I can't judge someone, unless I am them. I know some people who I feel made a stupid decision for thier lives, but why, because I'm trying to love them by showing them the error of thier ways? That's rediculous. It's thier life. I know another group of people that I feel showed/shows more love and compassion for people they barely know, then for people that are in thier group that need the same. It irritates me, but why? It shouldn't, they are helping people that need help. That should be all that matters.

If you know me, you know I have a STRONG opinion on everything. This is such not a right attitude in me. I know it's okay to be strong in your opinions about certain things, but I have gotten to a place where I'm critical of others. I have hardly any friends. Like seriously, can count on one hand. I know I have never been the type to have alot of friends, and really don't ever want TONS of friends. I want valuable relationships in my life that mean something to me. People I can depend on, and they can depend on me.

The people I call friends, are very SPECIAL people. I know I'm difficult to get along with at times, and can be very offensive, but it's really not my intentions. I'm praying that God will change my heart, soften my tounge, and help me with me. But I'm so thankful for the people that love me inspite of myself!! Thank you!

However, one thing I was really thinking about is others like me have a tendency to be critical of me, and it hurts (just as I'm sure it hurts when I'm critical of others). Mostly in one area, motherhood. I know I'm far from perfect. I know I'm not the best mom. But I'm trying and doing what I feel is best for my children. I have seen the looks that people give me when I talk to my four year old the way I do. It's not right. But I'm frustrated, I'm annoyed (not that it's an excuse), I'm TIRED...

I hear "you're a stay at home mom, you don't do anything". What people don't realize is, I have a SPECIAL NEEDS child, yes the four year old, he has a schedule you wouldn't believe if I told you that I have to try and keep up with, not to mention a VERY ACTIVE 18 month old that I have to try and lug around with me and Cade, and also keep occupied, It's not an easy task. Yes, I know, tons of mom's do it, but then there are other responsibilities that I have that people don't realize are so taxing. I have NO patience for anyone or anything (again something I'm working on) and there are days I just don't want to be responsible for two people besides myself. Also, people think I'm a stay at home mom I have nothing to do, but what they fail to realize is my husband literally is on call 24/7. I love my husband and I appreciate all the work that he does do, but having two small children and a husband that is on call all the time, and works 6 days a week, means that at any time or moment I become a single mom. This also gets my husband out of tons of responsibility because, I can't just go out for the night with the girls and leave the kids with him, what happens if he gets called out? That means that no matter where I am, or what I'm doing I have to be home within 20 minutes. I rarely get a break and because I don't work, rarely get a break from my kids and get the adult interaction that working moms do. One of the benefits of being a working mom, not that i regret in ANY WAY being a stay at home mom. I love it and wouldn't have ever wanted it any other way and I realize it's just part of the sacrifice to do that.

Then there is the Special Needs issue. I don't care if you are a mom of a special needs child and think that I might not be doing things the way they need to be done becuase you did better than me. They are special needs which means that no two are the same. I know my child better than you do. No, I'm not perfect and I don't think I am, but please, until you have been Cade's mom, or Addie's mom, don't tell me or anyone else, what you think I should be doing. Yes, I'm venting, but I just got to thinking about this, and how if you haven't walked in my shoes, you don't really know. Just like God is showing me, I don't know what is best for my friends, or acquaintances, and thier lives. I'm learning not to be judgmental. Becuase let's face it, I can't walk in your shoes either.
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