Here it is, my follow up post to my situtation. I'm a processor... meaning that sometimes it takes me hours, days, ,weeks, possibly even years, to actually process what I'm feeling... Because I feel the need to be strong for so many people, something I have done since I was younger, I think I emotionally shut down after hearing "bad" news. So while this blog may be informative, and I am doing my best to "feel" I'm not sure if I'm there yet. So if it seems to lack emotion, it just may...
I went in for an hcg test today. When I woke this morning I thought, after reading up on hcg, that I would wait to have my morning coffee after my test, because I wanted nothing but water in my system. However, in waiting for my coffee, I also forgot to eat. I packed up my precious little punkins and we ventrued off to the birthing center. They don't take much blood for an hcg test so it never crossed my mind that not eating might not be a good idea. However, She had some trouble locating a vein and for some reason they kept rolling around. So after digging in my arm and not being able to get it, I told her to try my hand, I have HUGE protruding veins in my hands. She said it would hurt and that she really hated to do that, but considering the options she would. She stuck it once and the vein again roly polied away. She stuck me the second time really trying to get it when I told her, "I'm just letting you know, I feel nasueous" she immediately took it out and handed me a trash can.. I laid my head back, she told me to take deep breaths, and asked me if I was going to pass out, I told her I might. The room got bright, the voices tunneled and I just laid back. They got me a coconut water with lots of electrolytes and cold rags. I came back too.
She told me she would NOT poke me again and that she would send me to the lab, and they could do it. I then began to talk to her about a sono. At the Birthing Center everything is out of pocket and with the first of the month coming up and rent, car payments, car insurance, and a mower payment all due I wasn't sure if it was something that would work for us right now. But she told me I could wait, get the HGC test done and do the sono later, but the sonographer was there, and had no appts at the moment. I just happened to have cash on me and felt like everything was too perfect not to just find out what was going on. So I told me kiddos we were going to go look at the baby,. I was excited for them. Cade has never seen a sonogram (I don't think, or that he could remember) and I wanted him to see the baby. We walked to the other room. I laid down. Cade was ready with the camera, and the sonographer began to look around. At this point according to charts, dates, and positive pregnancy test I would be anywhere from 8-9 weeks pregnant. (I have really long periods and I assume 8 weeks, by my charts, but according to last menstrual date would be 9 weeks). I knew as soon as I saw the sac. NO BABY. Cade was asking where's the baby? did we lose it? I was prompted, when the spotting started, to tell my kids that it was POSSIBLE that something might happen to the baby. I"m thankful now for that decision. The sonographer confirmed what I saw, she told me my dates could be way off, or it could be a blighted ovum. I told her there was no way my dates were off. I know because of charting and when I took my pregnancy test. And she then said in the most compassionate way possible, that she also believed it to be a blighted ovum because it lacked a second ring (seen on sonograms) that viable pregnancies have.
I asked how long.... how long till my body knows there is no baby. Answer: 2-4 weeks. It's just a waiting game.
I have to tell you I'm sad... so sad. I have only had one planned pregnancy. That was my sweet Addie Renee. I was so happy to be pregnant with her. But I am a planner. So when I haven't had the chance to plan things out I get worried and stressed. I was worried and stressed with Cade, mostly due to shame (whole nother story) but I didn't realize what a child was, what a child meant, the work, the blessing. I also didn't realize what having a child with special needs was going to mean to me. Planned Addie. And then there was Laynie. Not planned. I was working, I was fine with the two kids I had. I didn't need more. I was not happy for weeks, maybe months, of course I warmed up to the idea. At 11 weeks had a sono and it was then that I remember really being happy. I had a precious life in me... but it took me that long. With this baby, there was none of that, it was so not in my plans, my sweet Laynie is only 14 months old, not walking. But I knew it was okay we would figure it out. When I took the test, Aaron said, "wow, i think that's the happiest I've ever seen you with a test" and he was right! I was! just happy! I knew it was God's plan and that no matter what it would all work out. I honestly feel robbed of that joy.
I still know that God has a plan. I do NOT believe that God ended this pregnancy to show me anything, to prove a point, or teach me a lesson. I do NOT believe my God works that way. I do know that He allows Satan to steal, kill, and destroy certain things. And that HE sees a bigger picture, a better plan, that NOTHING in the Kingdom is without purpose. While I don't know the purpose, I trust that there is one. God had used EVERY bad thing for good in my life. I still feel He is a redeeming and restoring God.
I have to honeslty tell you though, that as I feel sad, and robbed of joy. I also feel relieved. I have been spotting for three weeks and I have been in constant wonder of what is. I have tried to be hopeful but lets face it we are human and in the back of my mind I knew this could be a possibility and according to modern science is not necessarilly a bad one. They say that they beleive that blighted ovums are the bodies way of recognizing that there was a chromosonal abnormality, an problem in cell division, or poor quality sperm, that is caught early enough the body rids it self of it. I don't know if this is true, if it's just a theory, or if it's "proven" and I can't say I have much confidence in anything pertaining to modern medicine but; You see, I was just at a Special Olympics swim meet with my son a week and half ago. There are several moms on his swim team that have not just one special needs kid, but two. I am a firm believer that God does not give us more than we can handle, but I can't imagine what life is like with two special needs kids. I can't imagine how overwhelmed they must feel, trapped even. Cade is healing and my hope is that one day will be completely made Whole...but life with him sometimes is just HARD... and to be honest I struggle so much in just being his mom that I hope I don't have another special needs child. They are the absolute biggest blessing and there is NO DOUBT that Cade has revealed so much about life I would have never seen otherwise, but it's hard.
So here i am, still technically pregnant, still nauseated, sore boobs, eating everything, not wanting certain things, craving things I normally don't eat,smelling everything, but I'm not growing a baby, just a sac. I'm sad. But I know it's okay.